12:50am

I woke up from a dead sleep last night at 12:50am. But I had no concept of what it meant for it to be 12:50am. I became extremely confused and thought to myself, “What’s it like when it’s 12:50am? Is it supposed to be this dark? Is it really cloudy outside and that’s why it’s so dark?” And then I was convinced that I was incredibly late to work, that I needed to call in, and that my boss would be pissed at me for not being at work at 8:00am to help her do something. But I kept thinking that I must have something wrong, none of this seemed right somehow. So I sat there staring at my alarm clock for a good two minutes, thinking REALLY hard, and finally realized that 12:50am is actually quite a long time before 8:00am and that I wasn’t late for work; that 12:50am is, in fact, quite a long time before 6:30am when I would need to get up and that I hadn’t overslept; that I would be able to sleep a whole five and a half hours more before I needed to worry about any of this.

And when I woke up at 6:30am and remembered all this, I realized how good it is that I get to work an hour and a half after I get out of bed every day, because apparently I have the IQ of a pine cone when I first wake up.

Stop cruelty. Go vegan.

You know what? I don’t think it’s cruel when I eat a slaughtered, ground up, and flame broiled cow. I’m doing that cow a favor.

It was bored.

A victimless crime? I THINK NOT.

I walked into my office yesterday afternoon to discover this:

(Click image for a larger view.)

No suspects as of yet, but a full investigation is underway.

Hey, idiot.

Is it really that difficult to tell the difference between the pronunciations of Caroline and Carolyn? Especially when I correct you EVERY TIME?

Thinking….

I wonder if I could construct something which would divert the flow of warm air coming out of the side of my laptop so that it would blow directly at me, specifically onto my ice cold hands, because I apparently work in a frozen, nether tundra of my office building.

A plan

It’s 12:20am, and my neighbor is playing “Hotel Song” by Regina Spektor.

He’s gotten into this habit lately, this playing music at all hours habit. Last week, he was playing music at 3:30am. And let’s be honest here: when I can still recognize the music after it’s been muffled by wood, insulation, and a couple layers of drywall, it’s probably at an inappropriate volume for any time between 11:00pm and 7:00am.

And I’ve noticed that he tries to be very hip with his music choices (with the exception of Regina Spektor, which is getting a tad bit mainstream for your typical hipster). We’re talking skinny pants and aviator glasses hip. We’re talking experimental electronic music with a childlike female voice hip.

So I’ve devised a plan to counteract his hipness.

This plan includes the following selections from my music library, in no particular order:

• “Fishin’ in the Dark” by The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
• “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” by Cutting Crew
• “Land of 1000 Dances” by Wilson Pickett
• the entire “Dreaming of You” album by Selena, with special emphasis put on any songs with a distinctly Tejano style.
• the entire “Wide Open Spaces” album by The Dixie Chicks
• “Apples and Bananas” and “Bananaphone” by Raffi
• Garth Brooks’s first four albums, in their entirety
• Classic Disney, Volumes I-IV
• “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (Not actually a component of my music library at this point, but I’m thinking it would make an excellent addition.)
• “Great Balls of Fire” by Jerry Lee Lewis. Looped. For an hour.

One of my favorite things:

Being able to rub in to the promiscuous bisexual coworker that I already know the attractive student in the short skirt with whom she desperately wants to flirt.

(And knowing that the attractive student in the short skirt isn’t as impressive when you actually speak to her.)

Yeah, thanks.

The stupid, idiot woman called me “sir”.

One of my favorite things:

Knowing more about something than the annoying coworker (henceforth to be known as ACW). It leaves me with a happy, self-satisfied feeling for the rest of the day.

(I’m a terrible person.)

To all of you:

1. I saw some people today with a sign that said:

“Need Prayer”

Just like that. No punctuation.

To the sign people: What does it mean? Are you asking me IF I need prayer? Are you telling me that I SHOULD need prayer? Because if it’s the latter, that’s not really something I have a choice about, is it? I can’t just go out and make myself need prayer.

2. To the obnoxious caller: Don’t get irritated with me if I don’t want to look up the answer to your question while I’m eating my lunch.

3. To our office neighbors: Don’t give me a disgusted look for making a normal amount of noise coming down the stairs when you’re conducting an official meeting at a table IN THE HALLWAY.

4. To the annoying coworker: I do not need to know where you are in your menstrual cycle.