Sigh.

So I have this coworker. You know the one. I’ve mentioned her before.

Last weekend she started working out with a trainer, so Monday morning, she told anyone who would listen every detail about her training session. Sadly, she’s often on my bus in the mornings, so I had to listen to the play by play all the way to work, and then I heard it again at work while she told someone else, and then I heard it from other people whom she’d also told. And then, whenever she’d see me - in the hall, in the copy room, IN THE BATHROOM - she’d give me an update of which muscle groups were sore at that precise moment.

See, the problem with her is that she tells pointless stories. ALL. THE. TIME. She once told my friend the entire plot of a movie for no apparent reason. And when she finished, she began telling her the plot of another movie. Today, my short story of how I hurt myself while making my bed (don’t ask) prompted her to tell me that she wants to get a brass bed, and she wants it to be brass because she wants it to be metal but wrought iron is too dark for the other furniture she wants to get, and is the headboard on my bed wood, and she doesn’t have a headboard so she’s not really sure how it’s put together, and how is mine put together, and she knows that you can get the headboard without the footboard, but she hasn’t decided yet if she wants the footboard or just the headboard, but she definitely wants it to be brass, and she’d like to get it from Ikea.

And the problem with me is that I’m terrible at looking interested in pointless stories, so my eyes glaze over and I stop paying attention and start inserting uh-huhs and yeahs whenever she pauses to take a breath so it sounds like I’m listening. Because for some reason, I can’t be rude and tell her to hush. I can’t even pretend I have something pressing to do. I just stand there and listen. Because I’m an idiot.

And now I can’t seem to get away from this woman. She’s tried REALLY hard to be my new best friend since I started my current job, but I think she may be redoubling her efforts as of late. I’m pretty sure she’s adjusted her morning schedule so she can catch the same bus as me…even though it makes her at least 15 minutes late to work. And when I missed my normal bus yesterday and had to take a later one, upon seeing me, she immediately said, “You weren’t on the bus this morning.” (And mentally, I thanked God.)

Two conversations:

#1.

Annoying Co-worker: Do you watch Lost?

Me: No.

Mentally: Please don’t recount the plot of a recent episode.

AC: Did you not watch it last night, or do you not watch it at all?

Me: Nope, I’ve never seen an episode.

Mentally: Don’t do it!

AC: Well, I watched it last night, and….

Mentally: Sigh.

#2.

Yellow Turtle: Hmmm…I forgot to get candles to put in the favors. Must do that tonight before el pizza.

Me: El pizza?

YT: Yes. El pizza.

Me: Would it not be la pizza?

YT: No, the pizza is manly…even though the spelling would have you think otherwise.

Me: So the pizza is a drag queen?

YT: Do you see how much it dresses up?

Two things:

1. I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past two days. We’ve been hosting a workshop for…I won’t bore you with the details. It involves learning foreign languages. So I’ve been spending all my time checking in volunteers and fielding multiple panicked phone calls from two of my bosses (yes, I have more than one boss…so many, in fact, that I think I’ve lost count) asking me to please take object X to location Y at time Z. (Incidentally, time Z is usually 5 minutes ago.)

The good news is it’s Friday and I’m home and planning a nice long nap. The bad news is the workshop is continuing for the next two days, and while I’m not supposed to help with it anymore, I’m a teensy bit afraid that I will continue to get multiple panicked phone calls saying, “Kim, can you come in and bring an entire desktop PC to us as soon as possible. With a printer, please. Thanks,” or, “Kim, I need you to bring me three gallons of 1% milk right away. Yes, 1% milk. Don’t ask questions. We needed it an hour ago,” or, “Kim, we’ve decided to buy an expensive dinner for everyone who has ever heard of this workshop.  Can you please find out which is the busiest restaurant in town and when their dinner rush is and then call and make a reservation for that time for 57 people? Thanks.”

You think I’m joking.

2. There are people in this world who cannot sit and do nothing. And these people bother me. These are the people who talk loudly on their cell phones while riding the bus, and when they finally (FINALLY) end their obnoxious calls, they sit and stare at their phones, probably scrolling through their contacts, trying to think of someone else to call or text. Something about these people, I think maybe some insecurity about doing something on their own or appearing to be alone, has caused them to be unable to sit in relative silence for twenty minutes without exploding and burning into a pile of ashy solitude.